she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
