Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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