so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Randomize