The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize