U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
