I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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