I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
