My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
