I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
