just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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