Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
