So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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