i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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