I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize