if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
