You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize