i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
