I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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