I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
