Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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