ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
