seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
