I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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