Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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