Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
