"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
