I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
