Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
