Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he thought i was a dude.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
