Need sex. Gaining weight.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
