So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
