you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
