You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
