i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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