i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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