Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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