plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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