I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
