my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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