My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
