Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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