he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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