I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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