you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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