if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We need to rekindle our bromance
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize