Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
