I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
