i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
