someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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