Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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