capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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