If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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