Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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