My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
