im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
