I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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