did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
