Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
