Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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