And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
