I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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